I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
