I think i peed on brittanys purse
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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