How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize