Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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