i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
