dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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