Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
