i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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