Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize