Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
