sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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