I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
