First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
