Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
