I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
