my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
