you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
