im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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