I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
