He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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