after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm too high and old for this...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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