youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize