I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
