I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
