Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize