I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
