Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
