you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
