we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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