I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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