Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
