Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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