I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
