I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
