I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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