How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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