i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
