Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
