dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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