After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
