I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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