im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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