Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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