I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
