I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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