I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
