Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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