just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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