I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
