Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
