If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I see more hoeing in ur future
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
