mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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