Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
