i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
where are you?
Hypothermia
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
