i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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