cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
