Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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