Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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