Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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