i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
