I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
